Social Anxiety: Ahh The Irrational Fear

I think my two favorite “entertainment” past times have to be Stargate and Uru. If  I’m being brutally honest, sometimes I find myself living Friday to Friday in between new episodes of Stargate: Atlantis, and filling the rest of my time preparing for yet another reincarnation of my favorite computer game, Uru. 

In fact, while browsing the Uru forums (where I am a highly active lurker) I notice a lot of Stargate sigs, and have often read posts referencing the show. The second most commonly referenced TV show on the Uru forums seems to be Dr. Who, followed by Battlestar Galactica – both of which I’m also a fan of. So you would think I would feel perfectly comfortable in a community which also seems to be filled with people who share my other interests (graphics, art, programming, and even some of my lamer music choices) as well. In addition, the Uru community is full of mostly welcoming, friendly people, with very little of the immature trolling you find in other forums. So basically were talking about one of the most non-threatening social groups there would be for someone like me to participate in. 

But even though we’re talking about just posting on the forums, my social anxiety prevents me from feeling comfortable enough to post very often. When I do, you know I’m having a good day anxiety-wise, and, if I weren’t anonymous, the amount of my posts would tell you how few of those I have. 

A lot of what social anxiety is can be boiled down to fear of judgment. Now that’s a very simplistic definition, but it’s one most people seem to be able to at least partly relate to. Even in a community so perfectly suited to someone with my interests, filled with friendly people who have a similar sense of humor and a similar way of looking at the world in general, I’m still too uncomfortable and anxious to really participate. It’s completely irrational. Yes, that’s right, I know it makes no sense; I know my fear is unreasonable. 

One of the most difficult things for someone who does not suffer from social anxiety disorder to grasp is the concept that we know our fears are irrational and we have them anyway. It’s one of the characteristics which defines social anxiety (I mean it’s literally on a list that therapists use to make the social anxiety diagnoses). If you have never been afraid of something for which you know there is no reason to be afraid of, you can’t possible understand how devastating this disorder can be.

I am not the kind of person who shrieks away from situations in general. I’m the one who keeps her head in a crisis. I am not squeamish. I am not some delicate flower who needs protecting. But when confronted with a social situation I become the polar opposite of my true nature. Imagine the loss of control one feels in such a situation. It’s as though you have no control over the only thing anyone ever has genuine control over, oneself. You know one thing in your head, and sometimes you’re screaming the truth inside, but your body, your voice is not really you own. It’s involuntary, which makes it terrifying. 

Despite the fact that I see myself as a bit of a bad-ass, every time another person sees me, they see the “me” that’s afraid — because, by default, if another person is around, I’m anxious. So people see me not as a bad-ass, but a weakling. They never see the real me. Because I’m such a “sweet, shy little thing”, people take pity on me, and tend to be extra nice. You would think people being nice to me would make me less afraid of people, but in fact it just makes me feel guilty. I see other people around me who really deserve to be treated just as nice, but they aren’t. So it just ends up feeding my low opinion of myself. ‘If all those people who are extra nice to me knew the real me they wouldn’t be so nice, therefore I don’t deserve to be treated nicely’ — and that brings on a feeling of shame about who I am. I tend to feel like compliments given me are patronizing and that if I didn’t seem so pathetic I’d be treated poorly too. And yeah that opens up a whole new can of worms when it comes to wanting to get better, because ‘getting better would mean I wouldn’t be treated as well’. (Very self-sustaining disorder isn’t it?) 

In addition, being afraid of people (and that’s what we’re talking about here, a phobia of people) leads to a lot of rationalizing. It’s like when people who are afraid to fly start listing all the things that could go wrong with an airplane, believing that they are wrong. When it’s people you’re afraid of, you start listing all of the things that could be/are wrong with people. You condition yourself to believe that people are “bad”, which is another reason one might resist getting better. ‘What if I get better, don’t like people, and turn into a bitch? I don’t want to be a bitch and I’m afraid that’s who I am underneath all of this fear, someone who looks down on others. I don’t want to become someone who treats other people badly. I’m afraid of becoming the thing that I fear, and even more afraid that I already am.’

~ by peoplephobe on August 9, 2008.